This series of personal stories from parents who have suffered pregnancy or baby loss holds space for talking about loss and grief and remembering our babies gone too soon.
In sharing their stories about their pregnancy journeys, feelings and insights, these parents are beginning to exorcise the double demons of silence and ignorance that afflict so many conversations in the space of pregnancy and baby loss.
Parents share their journeys and the lessons they have learned about grief, parenthood, friendship and living after the death of their baby. They tell us how they have changed, who they have become, and what truly matters now.
Angel baby boy Xander with his parents
My partner, Matt, and I found out we were pregnant with our first baby on the 7th of September 2023. We had been trying for 7 months at that time, so you can imagine the excitement and a little disbelief that we had finally gotten pregnant.
We were getting to the stage where I was getting tested for PCOS, as I had a previous ovarian cyst rupture and we weren't having much success with falling pregnant. But surprise, we did it! We were itching to tell everyone and anyone - however, we waited patiently until our initial scans and bloods were conducted to ensure it was a viable and healthy pregnancy.
We had been trying for 7 months at that time, so you can imagine the excitement and a little disbelief that we had finally gotten pregnant!
My pregnancy lasted 32 weeks and 3 days. And it was a rollercoaster. Mixed emotions of anticipation, anxiety, the "are we ready for this?". Honestly, I did not love being pregnant but I did love feeling our little boy moving around. I would do anything to feel those kicks again.
Within the span of a week however, I went from a low risk healthy pregnancy to a high risk one, likely birthing early. I developed pre-eclampsia quite suddenly which resulted in hospitalisation at our local hospital. Due to the severity, I was transferred to a tertiary hospital with an NICU, as I was likely going to have my baby pre-term.
Within the span of a week however, I went from a low risk healthy pregnancy to a high risk one, likely birthing early.
On the 22nd of March 2024 I was awoken at 12:50am by lower abdominal cramping, which ramped up to what I imagine contractions would feel like. I can't say for sure what I experienced was labour, per say. But those three and a bit hours were the worst experience of my life. Knowing that something was wrong but nothing could be done in those moments. I felt helpless in that whole experience.
Luckily, my partner was there and was able to stay in the hospital with me. He was a great comfort in those moments and the ones that followed. This was never our birth plan, obviously, so it was so scary that everything took a turn for the worse so quickly. But Matt was brave and reassuring during those hours despite going through a whirlwind of emotions himself.
Luckily, my partner was there and was able to stay in the hospital with me. He was a great comfort during those hours despite going through a whirlwind of emotions himself.
At around 03:45am I was given an emergency C-Section, as we lost our baby's heartbeat on the monitor. At 04:01am our baby was born. At 09:30am, after I had recovered from the anaesthetic agents, I had a meeting with the doctors who ultimately told me our baby would not be surviving due to hypoxic injury. It went from "We just had a baby boy!" to "We will lose our baby" so quickly. That very small initial slither of happiness is something I hold on to. Even just writing this gives me the gut-wrenching sorrow I felt in those moments.
Our baby boy's name is Xander James. He is named after Matt's pop, Alexander. Xander had little features of both Matt and I, but he was his own little person. We were just absolutely astounded by the amount of hair he had! It was dark like Matt's but had little curls - neither of us have curly hair. He was just so handsome. The first time I held Xander, I had this immense wave of love deepened by sorrow.
Our baby boy's name is Xander James. He was just so handsome. I got to hold him whilst he was still alive, and held him in his last moments. I just had this urge to want to protect him from what was inevitably going to occur.
I got to hold him whilst he was still alive, and held him in his last moments. I just had this urge to want to protect him from what was inevitably going to occur. The injustice of it all still stings. But he was surrounded by those closest to us, and we got to tell him how much we love him. I got to tell him that he will be safe and not alone; that his great pop, Alexander will be waiting for him with open arms.
The experience of baby loss is beyond devastating. Matt and I are still trying to navigate our "new normal". Since we lost Xander I understand how fragile life is. The little things that used to seem like an inconvenience just seem silly to stress over now. Through Xander's passing, I have gained and lost friendships. I have learnt that it is okay to lean on people for support and should not feel apologetic talking about Xander and baby loss.
Matt and I are still trying to navigate our "new normal". Since we lost Xander I understand how fragile life is. The little things that used to seem like an inconvenience just seem silly to stress over now.
Having gone through baby loss, my eyes have been opened to how often it occurs, and it is heartbreaking. I wish I was more aware of the statistics, and wasn't so blissfully unaware that this could happen to us. I wish I had known more of the warning signs of pregnancy complications such as pre-eclampsia. I just wish I had not taken my pregnancy journey for granted.
To those who have lost their little one(s), my deepest condolences. I am so sorry you are going through this heartache. Just know it is okay to sit in your grief. It is normal to go through an array of overwhelming emotions. Some days will be good and some not so much. Whatever you are experiencing I am sure we have all been there. I know I had some very ugly thoughts at times and felt so much guilt in them until I spoke to another mother who lost her baby and she reassured me I wasn't alone in those feelings. Please just be gentle with yourself. What you are going through is life altering. There is no right way to grieve and heal. And please never feel apologetic talking about your baby: they existed. They deserve a space in this world.
What you are going through is life altering. There is no right way to grieve and heal. And please never feel apologetic talking about your baby: they existed. They deserve a space in this world.
Remember, you are not alone in this journey. It will feel isolating but you are not alone. Reach out and accept the love and support your friends and family want to give you.
Having a Possum Portrait of Xander means a lot to our family. It is another way to remember our little guy and add another piece of him to our home. It is a very personal piece for us, a one of a kind. We will be forever thankful for the person who took the time to draw our little family and got all the details so perfect.
Having a Possum Portrait of Xander means a lot to our family. It is another way to remember our little guy and add another piece of him to our home. It is a very personal piece for us, a one of a kind.
Through the loss of Xander, I have found I am more empathetic to other people's loss and grief. I regret that in previous experiences, I have not been as supportive. Until you go through loss, you cannot grasp the immense emotions that come with it. I will always wish I'd had more time with Xander. I would give anything just to hold him again. I would say cherish the moments you have, because you never know what might happen.
Did this story resonate with you?
Please consider giving what you can and support our
bereavement care service for parents living with loss.
Comments