This series of personal stories from parents who have suffered pregnancy or baby loss holds space for talking about loss and grief and remembering our babies gone too soon.
In sharing their stories about their pregnancy journeys, feelings and insights, these parents are beginning to exorcise the double demons of silence and ignorance that afflict so many conversations in the space of pregnancy and baby loss.
Parents share their journeys and the lessons they have learned about grief, parenthood, friendship and living after the death of their baby. They tell us how they have changed, who they have become, and what truly matters now.
Angel Maxi with his mum
On July 4th 2023, our journey began with so much hope and excitement. My husband and I had been trying for four months to grow our family—a little sibling for our daughter.
When I found out I was pregnant, it felt like a dream come true. I remember telling my husband and one of my best friends, who was visiting at the time, and feeling pure joy. That whole day was filled with happiness, knowing that a new life was growing inside me.
When I found out I was pregnant, it felt like a dream come true. As the weeks passed, my love for our baby grew.
As the weeks passed, my love for our baby grew. On July 31st we had our first ultrasound, and I saw our baby for the first time.
We had our NIPT test on August 22nd. It was another chance to see our baby on the ultrasound, moving and kicking. Adam was so excited, seeing how active and healthy the baby looked. But even with all the happiness, there was a little anxiety that I couldn’t shake. I loved my baby so much, and I just wanted everything to be okay.
But even with all the happiness, there was a little anxiety that I couldn’t shake. I loved my baby so much, and I just wanted everything to be okay.
Then, on August 28th, everything changed. Our GP called with the news that the test results showed a high risk for T21. I was in the middle of a workout—the first one I’d felt up to in weeks—when I took the call. My heart sank, and I was in shock. I called Adam right away, and we were both heartbroken. We were told there was a 20% chance that the results could be wrong, and we held on to that hope. We also found out that our baby was a boy.
The next week was filled with more tests and waiting. We hoped and prayed that our baby would be healthy, but on September 8th, the confirmation came. The results were accurate.
With broken hearts, Adam and I made the tough decision to terminate the pregnancy. It was a choice made out of love — for our family and for our baby. My daughter was so sad when we told her she wouldn’t have a little brother.
The [NIPT] test results showed a high risk for T21. With broken hearts, Adam and I made the tough decision to terminate the pregnancy.
Maxi, I am so sorry. I think about you every day. I wonder what kind of boy you would have been. Would your disability have been mild, allowing you to live a happy life? Or would you have faced many challenges? I wonder what your laugh would have sounded like and how it would have felt to hold you. I imagine giving you a thousand kisses and never wanting to let go. I miss you so much, my little boy. Losing you is the hardest thing I’ve ever faced.
On September 14th, at 11:36 am, you were born. Your dad and our midwife, Emma, were there as I brought you into the world. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I’m so grateful I got to meet you, hold you, and say goodbye.
I wonder what your laugh would have sounded like and how it would have felt to hold you. I imagine giving you a thousand kisses and never wanting to let go.
Even though we couldn’t take you home, the time we had with you is something I’ll always hold dear. You looked like a little angel, and I’ll never forget that moment. Our hearts broke that day, Maxi.
On September 21st, your tiny body was cremated, and on September 30th, we’ll take your ashes to the ocean. I’ve kept a little bit of you close to my heart, where you’ll always be.
Maxi, wherever you are, know that we think of you every day. You’ve changed us forever. We love you so much, my sweet baby boy. You’ll always be a part of our family.
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