This series of personal stories from parents who have suffered pregnancy or baby loss holds space for talking about loss and grief and remembering our babies gone too soon.
In sharing their stories about their pregnancy journeys, feelings and insights, these parents are beginning to exorcise the double demons of silence and ignorance that afflict so many conversations in the space of pregnancy and baby loss.
Parents share their journeys and the lessons they have learned about grief, parenthood, friendship and living after the death of their baby. They tell us how they have changed, who they have become, and what truly matters now.
Angel baby boy Daniel with his surviving brother
We originally fell pregnant in February 2021. It was a surprise, but we were ready to begin our parenthood journey. Unfortunately that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage - but it sparked our wanting to be parents, and we soon began trying again.
In August 2021 we got another positive pregnancy test. A month later we had our first scan. We joked the night before of it being twins and laughed. It wasn't until the sonographer began the ultrasound that we saw two little babies and found out that we were in fact having twins. It was a massive shock to us and to our extended family, as twins do not run in the family. But we were over the moon about our two little miracles.
We joked the night before [our first scan] of it being twins and laughed. It wasn't until the sonographer began the ultrasound that we saw two little babies and found out we were in fact having twins.
We had a really healthy pregnancy up until about 32 weeks, when we started to notice a decline in blood flow to Daniel’s umbilical cord. I had weekly monitoring and at 35 weeks I spent the weekend in hospital for steroid injections, as the twins were due to be delivered the following weekend. During that stay we had a scare with Daniel’s heart rate. It dropped below 100bpm and I was rushed to the birthing suite for monitoring before they made the decision to wait.
I went home on Saturday afternoon with an ultrasound appointment for the following Tuesday (due to Labor Day on the Monday). After the sonographer and a doctor confirmed what they saw, I was sent upstairs for monitoring again. Unfortunately, I waited a couple of hours before they realised I was there and was brought in. As soon as I was attached to the monitors, Daniel’s heart rate was again below 100bpm.
Unfortunately, I waited a couple of hours before they realised I was there and was brought in. As soon as I was attached to the monitors, Daniel’s heart rate was again below 100bpm. I was immediately rushed into theatre for an emergency C-Section.
I was immediately rushed into theatre for an emergency C-Section. Before going under I had no idea that this would be the last time I would have 2 babies. Daniel unfortunately was born not breathing and was resuscitated, but suffered from too little oxygen to the brain. He was rushed to NICU. Two days later we made the hardest decision: to let our angel go, as he was pronounced brain dead.
When I first held Daniel Jacob I was still pretty groggy. But I remember holding him and just wishing he would be okay, and that we would get to take him home with his brother. Daniel looked more like me - he was also the more active twin when they were growing.
I remember holding [Daniel] and just wishing he would be okay, and that we would get to take him home with his brother.
The experience of baby loss was and still is very difficult. My partner and family did the best they could to support me, but it was something that I had to go through and at times I felt very alone. I still do on occasion. It’s hard to explain how my life has changed. On one hand my life is amazing, because I have my surviving twin to watch grow. But then I am sad that his brother is not there next to him, growing up and playing together.
Relationships in my life have also changed. I’ve realised that a lot of people don’t realise the grief you go through and sometimes they forget to check up on you if you seem to be doing okay. The loss and sadness never go away. We just work out ways to deal with our loss and create strategies to help us regulate.
I’ve realised that a lot of people don’t realise the grief you go through and sometimes they forget to check up on you if you seem to be doing okay.
Our Possum Portrait means a lot to us, as it will be a way to share our angel twin with his surviving brother. It is something we can show him as he grows older and begins to ask more questions about his brother. It will also be something we will display in our home.
What I wish I had known before perinatal loss happened to me is that it can happen to anyone no matter how well your pregnancy is going, and how quickly it can happen, too. I hope the discussion around loss becomes more normalised in society. That women and families don’t feel like they have to hide their loss - and then subsequent pregnancies - until they are deemed “safe”. We should be able to celebrate life at any age or gestation.
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